Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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