She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
