I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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