My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
