Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
