If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
