I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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