Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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