Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
