It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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