Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize