i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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