Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dicks are not precious.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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