non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
