I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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