I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
