I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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