Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
