I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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