dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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