It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
