my phone needs a breathalizer
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
