Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
