I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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