I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
