Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
