you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
