now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
