Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
