i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize