I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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