I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
