Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize