Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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