Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
