first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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