If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
