She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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