R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
