You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
