I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
