he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
