He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
