i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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