I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
