We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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