Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
