She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
