I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
