I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
