even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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