i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
