Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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