someone get that fucking seahorse.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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