I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
