We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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