Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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