dude i'm inner monologue high
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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