How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
