if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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