the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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