I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
