I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
